The Fitness Charlatan Playbook: Volume 2

Are you tired of making money by genuinely helping people?

Is that moral compass weighing you down?

Well, look no further than the Fitness Charlatan Playbook!

For the low, low price of your morals, you too can reach the soaring heights of social media infamy.

There is a charlatan for every season, and no doubt we will find one that suits you. Want to get involved? Just keep reading!

The Aldi James Smith

You may throw away that swear jar – you won’t need that where you’re going. Jimbo may not be a Life Coach, but you can certainly copy his love of expletives and make it your entire online personality. Isn’t it fulfilling to become a poor man’s James Smith?  

You will need: A sailors mouth.

  1. Pick a complex health problem – think obesity, diabetes.
  2. Turn on front camera. Do not speak at a normal level, you must shout aggressively at all times.
  3. Immediately insult audience by branding them a colloquial term for male or female genitalia.
  4. Solve all problems by reducing them to a *insert expletive of choice* calorie deficit.
  5. Ignore major biological, psychological and socioeconomic influences on these conditions – no one cares about them.
  6. Continue to address your audience through insults only, and ensure that you hook viewers by pointing out things these idiots can’t help but do wrong.
  7. Script your content as follows: call audience idiots > beg them to follow you > calorie deficit bro > expletive > move more > expletive.
  8. Bask in the glow of increased engagement.

The Menstrual Psycho

Burn those sports bras ladies, and free yourselves of the shackles of ever understanding your own body. The Menstrual Psycho allows you to profit from misogyny and vulnerable women – talk about a 2 for 1 deal! Leverage that gender pay gap further babes – girlboss! Ironically, men that follow this Play are more likely to become successful – how brave of you to discuss a topic that affects 50% of the world’s population! If you can leverage this play successfully, it is actualy one of the most profitable, so abandon your feminist principles at the door and prepare for that sweet, sweet paycheque.

The beauty of this Play is that you don’t even need to know anything about women’s health. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. All you need is false confidence, the capacity to feign interest in women’s health and a few Harry Potter spells you can claim as female hormones.

This play is remarkably simple. It’s your hormones is the new but her emails. All you’re going to do is confuse women by blaming everything on their silly little female hormones. The trick here is to find something women are generally concerned about – weight gain, fertility, resistance training, global warming – and attribute it entirely to their hormones. Gained weight? Hormones! It’s raining outside? Hormones! Your dog died? You guessed it, hormones!

You must litter your content with female buzzwords like “menstrual cycle”, “follicular phase” and “PCOS” to attract their attention. You can then affirm yourself as the “hormone hacker” or “menstrual cycle” expert. What’s important here is to ensure women are confused, but they are also aware that everything they do needs to be done the specific Woman Way and only you can help guide them!

Leave equality and evidence at the door, and be rewarded with likes and follows.

The Daily Broic

Use the money you probably should spend on a therapist and instead buy Ryan Holiday’s entire back catalogue.

You will need: A thesaurus.

Serves: The self.

  1. Post a leg workout.
  2. Post the first chapter of War & Peace, displaying vast and eloquent command of the English language. This is not merely a leg workout, this is an opportunity for you to list every single word you know with more than three syllables.
  3. After you’ve written your thesis/caption, ensure it is wildly vague and seemingly philosophical, whilst simultaneously adding nothing of value other than convincing people on the internet you’re smart because you know big words.
  4. Refer to training as being in the trenches, even though if you had to go to war you know Daddy would use the money in your trust fund to get you off the hook.
  5. Enjoy the feeling of moral superiority, but enjoy nothing else ever.

The Unwellness Influencer

This allows you to cosplay as a disordered wolf in fitspo clothing.  The Unwellness Influencer requires you to make your diet and exercise your entire personality, whilst convincing yourself and everyone around you that it’s not that deep.

You will need: high waisted leggings, bicep veins, an Olaplex bun.

  1. Preface your physique shots with empty phrases like “it’s not all about your physique” as you tense so hard you could pop a hernia. Your grid must consist solely of ab or glute shots.
  2. Set your alarm three hours before your usual wake time, so that you can film a “morning routine” and then immediately go back to bed until 2pm. The grind never stops!
  3. Implore followers to follow a “balanced” diet, even though the last time you ate a carbohydrate you cried and did fasted cardio for three hours.
  4. Feign interest in sustainability whilst you complete weekly fast-fashion athleisure hauls.

Join us next week for 3 more Plays for your to appropriate for your own leisure!

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Published by Michelle Carroll

I am an online coach (MSc Sports & Exercise Nutrition, EQF Level 4 Personal Trainer, PN Level 1) and radiographer (BSc). I believe in empowering others to make better choices for their health through education. I think that the fitness industry has created a disconnect between best practices and “evidence-based” practices. I hope by chronicling my experience as a healthcare professional and my education as a fitness professional I can assist others on the path to bettering themselves.

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